052 - Is Anxiety Limiting Your Business Success With Riana Milne

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Josh Tapp 0:00
What's up everybody? Josh Tapp here again, and welcome back to the lucky time podcast. So today we have Rianna mill on the mic. Rianna is the mother of trauma work. She's actually worked with thousands of entrepreneurs helping them overcome entrepreneurial anxiety to be able to maximize the productivity in their companies. So let's hop right in. All right, Briana. So tell us one thing about yourself that most people don't know.
Riana Milne 0:23
Oh, I've got a lot of fun facts. But I think
my favorite one is that I danced the entire encore with Freddie Mercury of Queen at the night of the opera concert. So that was in Philadelphia at the tower theater. I was 17 years old. And I was quite alarmed when four guys from my high school were right in the front row. And they're like, so I got out all over my high school the next day, you know, I had a really cool job as a kid for a radio station and we sponsored all the major concerts into Philadelphia, and I worked with a lot of celebrities, but that was my favorite.
Josh Tapp 0:58
That is so awesome. Actually. You'd be the top of your bio every time I go, you know, just just as a queen, you know, no big deal.
Riana Milne 1:06
My second one was the tramps party that my home in Philadelphia and I sponsored their concert up at Penn State. So that was a second favorite. Wow. And that was a real dance queen. So go dance queen.
Josh Tapp 1:20
One that's actually worn off on your daughter's right you actually have two daughters have gone to be very successful in both of those industries, right?
Riana Milne 1:27
Yeah, my one daughter has hosted a couple of TV shows. And she sings on three multi Platinum CDs and is in Forbes and Inc magazine is the top 11 successful female entrepreneurs. So she's a real Dynamo. And my other daughter has had a very successful career as well, and now is in photography and filmmaking, which is so cool.
Josh Tapp 1:49
That's Yeah, especially they both went on to do something incredible. Well, hey, I know you have an incredible story and I'd like you to hop into it and kind of give us some background on yourself and where you're at now.
Riana Milne 2:00
Okay, other than that, I was really in disco Queen you mean? Alright, so for 10 years I had it's like a therapy. I'm sorry for 14 years I have a psychotherapy practice in New Jersey and Atlantic City area and decided around 2009 and 10 to go for certification for coaching. Because my style was always more motivational, inspirational and brainstorming. I really loved coming up with solutions with my clients so they feel better every time they come in my door. That was my goal that they left inspired. So coaching model always was more of my forte. So I got certified by our CI Relationship Coaching Institute, and just working as a psychotherapist for 14 years there. I was working with a lot of people have trauma with students in the schools from kindergarten all the way through college, in a hospital center called Atlanta care where I was in the adolescent unit working With kids from five, all the way to 19 and teenagers that were suicide or cutting or Billy Mick and young kids coming from the foster care system, or who were runaways, you know, some of the harder cases. And then I worked in the drug and alcohol facility. Also, I'm an LCA, DC certified drug and alcohol addictions counselor. So I had worked in the teen unit as well as the women's unit with drug court and these are the women that ended up in prison due to their drug addictions and the repercussions of that. So I went in and taught a life coaching course for hear for those ladies. They were age 1865. So, um, yeah, just working with trauma, and then I went through a traumatic relationship. And there was no signs of that as we were dating. And all of a sudden our world just exploded, you know, once we're married a few months, and the behavior had gone on for quite a while. He just said it blew open when it was discovered at a school. And he was the principal of the school. And so not only did he ruin his own life, his career, his income, his reputation, but also our marriage, my career, because I was a marriage and family therapist and also an interfaith minister. So it really wreaked havoc in our lives and in a way in shame, and left me to handle the whole issue. And he's there. I don't know, you know, what's wrong with me, I sabotage everything I love and I said, Well, I've got to figure this out for my own healing, and, you know, for me to move on in my life. And that's when the research began. So after two years at using my ongoing experience with trauma, and looking deeper into the love issue of trauma, it came I came up with the 10 childhood trauma checklist, which are the top 10 traumas that I see working with people
Josh Tapp 5:00
Yeah, which we've talked about these before. And I really like the direction you go with them because it really is all encompassing, like you said, I mean, most of us have at least one right? You've talked about most of us have nine or 10. Right?
Riana Milne 5:12
Wow, most of us have had the studies show 90% of us have at least 123.
Yes, many people have more. It's not anything to feel ashamed about if you notice yourself in this list, because as children, we were just a product of our environment. You know, I have three of these and the first when I'm uncovering this, I'm like, this is all about him. It's his fault. I'm like, No, this happened to me too. Right. And that said, the studies show well people have trauma track people have trauma. So it's like okay, I really have to think deep and recognize which ones occur for me and settle that, you know, for myself and for us, and and so on. So, it was really a blessing that I learned this information, because it did help me heal and forgive and To move forward in my life. Um, so, yeah, that's where this one comes from.
Josh Tapp 6:06
Yeah. Well, I really liked your story. Because I mean, you're you're one of those people that, you know, you have a traumatic experience in your past, but instead of letting it cripple you and, you know, becoming the thing that you're trying to run from, you ended up turning that on its head and becoming very successful. And, I mean, like, we've heard already, your daughters became extremely successful. I mean, it's an indicator that you were able to learn to manage your trauma and and to, to leverage that for your benefit, right. Well, yeah,
Riana Milne 6:32
you know, when this occurred, of course, I'm a psychotherapist. So I have seven psychotherapy friends, and I'm like, what's going on? Did you see this and then none of them saw it. None of them knew what he had. None of them, you know, can help me through the trauma because this is just not information we learned in my trip all psychology master's degree. childhood trauma was not discussed. It's a it's a newer phenomenon that has come out in the studies recently. And the cool thing is What I suspected years later I discovered the Kaiser Permanente study came out with what they call the ACE study. ac E stands for adverse childhood events. And they did the correlation of people with unhealed childhood trauma and how they get early illnesses and disease in life as an adult much earlier than people that did not have trauma or heal their trauma. So they really also speak to the importance of healing and understanding this unconscious unhealed childhood trauma or wounds.
Josh Tapp 7:33
Yeah, well, I'm so I'm going to play devil's advocate for a second. Most most entrepreneurs say their privacy is going out whatever, right? Do I really have this? Why is this applicable to entrepreneurs?
Riana Milne 7:46
Yes, this impacts you in life, love and business. So if you'd like Josh, I can go through the 10 trauma so people understand what traumas means because yes, people say I don't have trauma and then they hear the list. It's like, Oh, yes, I do. So I think if we describe that first and I will tell how that shows up, is that okay? Yeah, let's be clear. And anyone that might want to digest this a little bit further, I advise them to write it down, make three columns. The first one would be me. The second one would be partner, some partner that you struggled with. And the third one, you put parents because it goes through three generations, at least. Okay? So if you have the ability to heal it, then your generation under you doesn't have to go through it. That would be the great outcome of this, right. That's your goal in life. That is the goal at a stop. Okay, so the first one is gamma when you're young, this is not about blaming your parents now, or feeling ashamed or trying to look at it as the fact that these things occur for you. So the first one would be if your parent had any addiction. So the Kaiser study mentions drugs and alcohol, and then that's it, but being an addiction specialist, I named 11 of them. So it's drugs. Alcohol, sex means that chronically cheating Parents, porn, gambling, hoarding spending, eating, gaming, TV watching workaholism. So those are 10 addictions that could have impacted your parent child relationship. Second is verbal abuse. So that's witnessing mom and dad yelling at each other or the verbal abuse came to you not only in yelling, but verbal put downs You know, you're not good enough your opinion doesn't matter, you'll amount to nothing hearing anything like that. And also if they're mad at you, just shutting down and not talking to you in a passive aggressive way. Okay, number three is emotional abuse or neglect. Number four is physical abuse, rape or molestation, so any kind of beating or sexual abuse. Next one is abandonment and there's two types fault and no fault abandonment. So a fault abandonment would be a parent choosing never to be in your life at all. Or if there's a divorce or they leave the relationship And leave you. When they're telling you they'll see you. They may break their promises or it's inconsistent or it's extremely infrequent. The third could be you know, you see the child but you're checked out. You're in front of the TV watching football, you know, game after game, the child's in the room on their computer. There's really no connection, and that's all faults abandonments. A no fault abandonment would be, the child still feels abandoned, but it's not at the fault of the parent. So, one could be you know, if you die early, a parent dies early. If they go off to serve the country during war. Or like my father, he was like James Bond. He wasn't home a lot because he was FBI and CIA and we did not know it. So I remember as a young girl asking, when's dad coming home and my mom never knew and I thought that was really weird and it left me worried always about my dad. Okay, but that's always supported our family. So it's a no fault. Okay, so the next one You're a part of adoption, foster care system, or needed to leave live in other people's homes because your parents couldn't keep you in their home. Trauma number seven is one of the most common. That's if you don't feel good enough due to bullying, being born with a medical issue, being diagnosed in school, maybe as ADHD, oppositional defiant. Or you might have been an overweight or underweight child for some reason, you just felt different you didn't fit in, and that feeling stays very much with a person as they get become an adult. Trauma number eight is sibling trauma. This is if your sibling was born with a metal conditioning, and commanded more of moms and dads time. If they teased and bullied you, or most commonly you perceive them to be the golden child. So your parents liked them more gave them more time and attention. Maybe they had a different talent or more talent than you in a certain area. They were the super athletes, more handsome, more beautiful, there was just something going on more intelligent that they got more your parents time. And number nine has two parts. One is family trauma. That's if you grow up in a dangerous area. You remember having a lot of lack in your life.
You might have had a parent that was incarcerated, maybe lost your home to the mortgage crises, things like that. The second part of number nine is community trauma. And this is for communities that are impacted at large. So our mass shootings or school shootings, or loss of community through mother nature are floods, fires, hurricanes, mudslides, things like this that are you know, impacting people, which of course is traumatic for anyone and adults. But imagine little children now going through this fear of losing their homes, you know, or their families or their parents. So extremely traumatic number nine. And then number 10 is a mental health issue and mom or dad and us baby boomers that I'm a part of our parents didn't really go to counseling. So we have to kind of figure out that they have something like this. The two most difficult to navigate was bipolar and borderline. So bipolar is manic depressive. depression can come out as anger. Checking out emotionally, or just extreme fatigue and manic can show up as like a gambling spree and eating binge. You know, a lot of sexual activity cheating, you know, anything like that a manic phase. And then borderline is very moody, unpredictable moods, and when they're good, they're great, but when they're bad, they're horrid. And you never know what you're going to get. And that's a very hard one for a young child to navigate witness that walking on eggshells feeling or When you come home for school is dad going to be in good mood today? You know, and you never know. So it's very hard to live with when you're a child. Those are the 10.
Josh Tapp 14:08
Yeah. Well, so if you've been listening to that list and you didn't find one and yourself, you're you're one of the one out of 10
Riana Milne 14:15
that 10% always say you're sociopathic. And sociopath never admits anything. It's kind of like a standing joke, because, you know, they just don't, nothing's wrong with me. It's everything is their fault, right? So you have to like, kind of really like, think about did any of these happen? And like, first off the bat, I thought, No, no, no, you know, because I held high integrity in my relationship, right? So because he couldn't or wouldn't, you know, I thought he was the one that had all the traumas. I'm there. But wait a minute, we attracted each other. So, and if 90% have something What are mine? Right and and because they become normalized, it's like, Okay, that was my dad's job. Where's dad? We don't know he's working. That's all we know. He's working. Yeah. And then when you look at it's like, oh, wow, yes. Okay, this was a secret life My dad had to, you know, so very interesting how it correlates.
Josh Tapp 15:09
Yeah, I want to see you know which ones you have and which ones you can identify in other people. I don't know how people like you who are in that therapy space can even watch movies or television because you're like, Oh, yeah, this person has this, this this and
Riana Milne 15:21
I find it fascinating. I love biographies. And that's, you know, what comes to mind when we talk about business people, but let's talk about how this shows up in a couple of areas. First, about how does it show up in love. This is when you see codependent relationships, jealousy control. People pleasing that which happens a lot with women. You know, The Secret Life cheating, you know, on your partner. All these types of behaviors come from unhealed childhood wounds. Now in business, it can show up in different ways. So most often in business, we're looking at trauma numbers. And not feeling good enough. And trauma number two, not hearing verbal accolades. Like, I love you. I'm proud of you. Great job, hon. You know, instead, it's critical if you do something great. It's like, yeah, that was good. But you can always do better. Right now always making you feel like oh my god. So if a child grew up under that situation, normally they'll find success in school. And this is both for men and women, that they will work harder at school, so they'll maybe become the teacher's pet, and get the accolades from them. You know, some guys will resort to and I say, guys, but girls can do it too. But you see a lot of the male class clowns as little kids are acting up and try and get everyone to laugh at them. They're usually someone from a traumatic household. You know, comedians, almost all of them come from childhood trauma. Wow, you know, so trying to make kids laugh so they feel loved or accepted. So the person that will work super hard, will either be trying to get a great job, I'm proud of you and they bring home a good report card. Or they just do it because that's the one place they feel good is at school. And you know, they're always thinking, well, if I get good grades, I can get a scholarship and get out of this house. Right? Another thought, right? Especially when they're teenagers, I just want to get out of here and get a good job. So they'll work hard, so perhaps they'll get a scholarship. So those are the feelings that would occur. So how does it show up? Wow, I love the biography of Steven jobs. brilliant man brought so much, you know, development to our world. But his story is very interesting. He was adopted twice. So the first parents gave him back.
Okay, and he was young enough again, the bonding of a baby to the parents. First of all, he didn't have that initially. Then he's adopted starts bonding. Then he goes back, then he has to get used to new people. So his first childhood years are very traumatic and he learned unconsciously I can't trust people. Right. So what did he turn to things and developing things, you know, and he was always excited when he developed the next new thing. He was known to be a very difficult employer, but brilliant, never knew what moods were going to get. His wife did eventually divorce him and he did not have a good relationship with his daughter until in the end when he got six and he, he patched that up. But, you know, he just went on to use that, you know, that lack of bonding, but he never quite was able to bond and relationships. I love the biography of Quincy Jones. That story is amazing to me. A brilliant man, music producer, filmmaker, help sponsor a lot of kids in music very a philanthropist. And he told his story in the biography that he grew up very poor in Chicago. Parents, both drug addicts on the street they got kicked out of their home. Now as I go through this, you can count up the traumas. Right? So addiction, loss of home, has to go live at his grandmother's house, and they were very poor. She wasn't working. So they said four days would go on and they had nothing to eat if she caught a rat that was dinner, cheese, okay, so severe poverty. And by 14 is our I'm going to go work and help the family. So I think it was a horn instrument that he played, trumpet it could have been, I might be wrong on that. But he went out and found band gigs to help make some money to bring home so we had to, you know, work due to the lack and his, you know, so anyway, he goes through his process and becomes very well known and quite accomplished. The end of this film, after all the accolades and all the wonderful things and awards. He's won. It's like you Now, is there anything that you didn't succeed at? And the last because yeah, love in succeed and relationships, and that's why my ideal client are very successful women and men that you know, do well in business but struggle in love. Right? And that's the correlation. They may have figured it out unconsciously. Well, if I do this, and people will notice me if they were called the nerd in school, guess what? I might be a nerd. You know, like Bill Gates might have been called, but yes, guess what, I'll be brilliant. And they won't call me a nerd anymore. Which is true, what a beautiful man he is, um, you know, and so that, like, solves some of the ego, trying to identify and feel loved. But then when it comes to relationships, it's a lot more difficult. Now his relationship with his wife is quite beautiful. They do very well together. But, um, so it's one or the other and that's successful people. figured out, Okay, I will get do well in business and feel, you know, love through business. Or workaholism can come in
Josh Tapp 21:11
return in the people in the audience now.
Riana Milne 21:14
Right? So, if you're a workaholic, it could be based to the ego wanting to prove unconsciously, you know, see mom, I am going to amount to something or Dad, you told me this wouldn't work and look, this works, you know, so becoming a workaholic and and then you know, you have to say is this, you know, harming my own children because I'm not spending enough quality time I'm never at home, I'm always about work 24 seven, I can't turn it off. So this is where you know, you knew you might have a problem. Now on the other end of the spectrum, are people that do not succeed because they're afraid of taking the next calculated risk in business. You know, they can grow but then they might sabotage themselves, or it's like now I'm not going to invest in a coach. Because that's a lot of money. And if it doesn't work, then you know, I'll be upset. I spent the money, so they're always already telling themselves they're going to fail. Right? Right. Um, and the other mindset which I teach them mindset for success is like go for your dreams, we only have a limited time on this earth. And if you make that investment in your coach, and believe me, you are going to succeed, because you are investing time, money, and purpose, like your intention is there, like my business coach, I invested 85,000 for the year, you know, a big investment and you better believe I was working 1214 hour days to do everything on that checklist to launch me from a local psychotherapy practice to a global life coaching practice. And I did it quite quickly. But I needed that help. And I recognized it. And I took that leap of faith and said, Yeah, I'm going for it because I know I'll deliver as long as I know what to do. You know, so if you don't know what to do, be smart. enough to get that help. But the people that have that low self esteem piece still swelling up inside, they won't take that next jump to make themselves grow as an entrepreneur, or it might be to Josh, that person staying in that job they hate for 20 years. Well make a change. Well, at least it's a paycheck every week. Yeah, but right, they will make a move. And that's fear. And fear is from unhealed wounds from childhood. You know, you don't have the confidence to make the move. Look, I'll get another job better with a better income. Yeah, that's, you know, the mindset for success right there.
Josh Tapp 23:40
Yeah, one I really appreciate that. You took that full circle. I really think for a lot of us, I knew for me, it took us to the traumas you helped us see, you know, these different stories, the experiences of other people, and then you're able to say, oh, and then this is honestly the entrepreneurial curse that we all know like we overwork ourselves. And we have that shiny object syndrome, right? We're constantly running in multiple different directions, which I think like you're saying is really, because of the fear of success almost. So let's, let's go ahead.
Riana Milne 24:08
Now that what's your question?
Josh Tapp 24:10
So let's touch on that. I do want to ask you. I mean, a lot of us are either like, I mean, we're not we're too scared to, to try and succeed, right? You just mentioned this, you know, if you stay in the same job, because it's ROM, it's a comfortable place to be. But then there's the other side of things where people don't make moves because they're too scared that they already think they're going to fail, maybe even just subconsciously. And so they self sabotage. Let's Let's touch on that for a minute.
Riana Milne 24:34
Yeah, yeah, they do. They're afraid to take that next best move. And yes, you said shiny object syndrome, that that affects a lot of coaches. It's like, well, if I do this, if I do a podcast, I'll get more people. If I do a webinar, if I do summit, I do. You know, and, you know, I fell into that a little bit because I did a podcast and a live radio show for a year out of New York. And then I did Alexa daily lessons in life and love and I'm like, Okay, that's it. Let me analyze after six months of this routine, doing it all by myself, let me see what I really enjoy. And where I think my people are really attracting to my message, right? Where can I serve the best? And I've definitely felt it was through podcasting. My Courses, of course, I love teaching, I love coaching. And I call it also teaching because I'm teaching a brand new set of skills and teaching the mindset for success. I'm teaching the singles how to, you know, have the confidence to get out there and date and the questions I should be asking on dating. So teaching a lot of skill sets that we all as a human being never learned in high school, college or even in my master's degree, you know, and you can't change it you don't understand, so you have to understand it, and how it correlates. And when they see it, it's like, wow, yeah, I get it. Okay, so, we're going to Keep an eye on this now. And then you're changing behavioral patterns. So that's what happens, you know, so most people stay stuck in their fear, unless they take conscious and real action to change this in their life. And that, you know, if they identify themselves as having several childhood traumas, and then I also look at the severity scale of one to 10, how severe if you might have been beaten by dad, was it three times in your life and they were horrible, and you remember that and you felt it really affected you? That might be a four level. But if you're getting three a week, that's a 10 level, right? So I like to know the levels of severity on them as we go through the checklist. And everybody is uniquely different that comes to me. So depending on what traumas they had, what levels they had what's showing up now as an adult in life, love and business, and I'll explain what I mean in life. So these are the people say, Well, I have ongoing anxiety and they're trying to take anxiety meds, And trying to fix the problem. Well, the problem was never fixed because we never address the trauma. So the pills are just a bandaid. When people work with me, they're no longer on what we call psychotropic medicine. They don't need it. You know, there are holistic ways we can help with meditation, vitamin therapy. And I go through all of that with my people, but the mind is so strong, that it can really change the way you feel, the way you act, your level of success in life, love and business. So in life, it also could show up as bouts of depression. And addiction comes from unhealed childhood traumas, when the diction to any of the 11 I mentioned. You know, just like melancholy, feeling low, you know, we all have things happen in life, but how you approach a problem, you know, I teach what's called living in the light, and that's what we go from living in the dark side, which eight out of 10 people do well And the light side. So when the light is positivity, it's the conscious mindset. It's the educated mind, it's being proactive. The Dark Side is the unconscious, uneducated, reactive side, and negative side. So any dark, negative fear based thoughts come from the Dark Side of Life. And when you're you do have a challenge, which in Buddhism, we call this the earth school, we're supposed to be challenged, but when you're living in the light, you're positive and grateful most of the time a challenge comes up, it's like, Okay, how am I supposed to look at this differently? And then we start thinking outside of the box, I could do this, this and this, but I've already tried that in that. So I think my next move would be this and this, you know, so you just look at it as a new challenge. You know, and you don't let it shake you up.
Josh Tapp 28:50
Yeah, next step instead of a wall.
Riana Milne 28:53
Right like not a Why me, you know, kind of feeling which comes from the dark side. Then when couples Keep fighting over and over again around the same issues, they're usually stuck in a childhood behavioral pattern. And they're not seeing it, they can't get beyond it. So when I work with couples, I have to dissect both of their childhood backgrounds. See what went on for each one of them, see how they're triggering each other. We call them emotional triggers. And then teach them a whole new way of communication when an issue comes up, because this use will come up, but it never has to be one that you yelling and screaming about never. Yeah, only yell if your partner's in harm's way.
Josh Tapp 29:36
Otherwise, it's right way to think about it.
Riana Milne 29:38
Yeah, it's like what's best for the team? Otherwise, you know, and that's how you should be working with your love partner.
Josh Tapp 29:44
Yeah, that's so awesome. Well, I do have to ask you, I mean, you've covered a cover what what you do to help people but what where should our audience start? You know, a lot of them are probably saying, Wow, I have I have at least one of these childhood traumas. So where do I start to start overcoming that?
Riana Milne 29:58
Um, well You know, again, everybody is different. So it's hard for me to say here are the techniques that work for everybody. Right? Everyone's a different puzzle. So the first thing that is easy to do, you could go to my website rionda Mills calm and you'll see at the upper corner, take the free love tests. So there is a childhood trauma checklists, ACL, a checklist, which stands for adult child of an alcoholic or other traumas, then there's one for singles and there's one for couples. So you would probably take three out of the four, and you get a copy of it. And I would contact you to briefly go over that test if you want to. And if you want a deeper dive, if you're seeing a lot of things, it's like whoa, I'm really concerned, then there is a way to get a full assessment with me as well and the directions are on my website. Um, you know, so you know, getting as much education as you can. But again, this is very deep seated psychological issues. And you know, people who have come to me have said You know, Ron, I had six to seven years in therapy. And I didn't hear any of this trauma checklist. I didn't hear at No wonder we never got to the original issues that we're dealing with. So also on my website, you will find free book chapter downloads of my two books live in love beyond your dreams. And then there's a free ebook at have the love you deserve calm. And that goes, it's about 12 pages going deeper into the childhood trauma issue, if you want more information on that.
Josh Tapp 31:30
Wow, that is so awesome. So we'll send everybody over to that we've got links for that in the description as well. And Breanna before we sign off, though, give us one last parting piece of guidance. And then we will say goodbye.
Riana Milne 31:41
Just that now is the time Don't wait. Life is short. You know, you really want to start creating that life you truly desire that you'd be passionate about and to have the love you deserve. So if you're in a toxic relationship and wondering why I can guarantee it, it's coming from past trauma that you're not aware of have to take action and if you are married with a family need to do this for yourself and for your
Josh Tapp 32:06
children. I love that and we all know the quote you know what was the best time to plant a tree and everybody would say you know yesterday but the next best time is today.
Unknown Speaker 32:17
Yeah start today
Josh Tapp 32:18
start today. So everybody go out and start today Get get over to that website to the piano mill calm to be able to get the free love test. And Rianna thanks so much for coming on the show.
Riana Milne 32:28
Josh, thank you so much for having me and I wish you all good love and good luck out there. The number
Josh Tapp 32:33
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